I CAN’T WATCH THIS SHIT.

That was my first thought settling into tonight’s town halls. Fists clenched and blood pressure rising, I sat on the couch and prepared myself for the worst.

I tuned into Trump’s town hall — even though I know I’m voting for Biden — just to see what bullshit he’d spew. And oh god, he weaved his delusional web for everyone who was watching.

Trump was on the defense from the get-go — made evident by constant interruptions and snarky comebacks and a general air of impatience.

Forget denouncing white supremacy, HAVE YOU HEARD OF VICIOUS ANTIFA?

Forget COVID-19, DID YOU KNOW IT CAME FROM CHINA?

Forget getting people to vote, DID YOU KNOW THE ELECTION IS A SCAM?

Forget clarifying conspiracy theories on Twitter, DID YOU KNOW THE NEWS IS AGAINST ME?

To be honest, I felt like throwing up. I don’t know why I kept watching. My patience for Trump has weaned pretty fucking thin — thinner than before, if that’s even possible. At some point in the past, his grandiose antics were slightly amusing — now, I feel like I’m hallucinating from the backseat of a car that’s midcrash as I watch a pompous jackass spread lies and misinformation.

I spent most of the summer researching politics — delving into the country’s complicated history, understanding the flaws of the two-party system, dismantling the often dismissive characterizations of Trump supporters that liberals like to smugly flaunt. I was hell-bent on giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, understanding his supporters, finding a psychological reason for everything going on in the 2020 political landscape. I was an idealist. There was a REASON Trump had support. These people were simply misunderstood, and we had to reach out and engage in civil discourse. Ah, I was so cute three months ago.

To be clear, I’ve steered pretty clear of making mass assumptions about the Republican party — or even Trump supporters as a whole. I hate the divisiveness, the hate, the pitting of American citizens against each other. I hate all of it. It’s all so fucking convenient — get us all to hate each other, make us all fight tooth and nail for candidates who ultimately serve an agenda that has nothing to do with us. It’s just gross. I won’t stand for it. I strongly believe the American people have more in common with each other than any political candidate they may or may not support.

But tonight — something in me just snapped. I wasted precious minutes watching a bulldozing ASSHOLE steamroll over the moderator, make angry proclamations, and lash out at random. His arguments weren’t arguments, his debates weren’t debates — it was all muddled with extreme levels of cognitive distortion and an underlying current of hypocrisy that we’ve all become numb to. I was once again, flabbergasted — how does this man have any power? How does anyone look up to him? I know SO many smart people. Hell, I even like to consider myself a smart person. And watching this DRIVEL makes me feel like I’m being gaslighted. It makes me feel angry — I want to be watching intelligent debates and this is a charade and an insult to the American public. It also reminds me how stupid adults can be. Remember when we were kids and we thought adults were magical geniuses with solutions to all sorts of complex problems? Yeah…no.

60 minutes unfolded and I watched him make a number of simply moronic statements:

“Well, I’ve heard different things about masks” — You’re LITERALLY MAKING SHIT UP. It’s seven months into a pandemic, dude. There’s NO EXCUSE to be floating misinformation about masks. It was already bad enough when you turned COVID-19 into a pawn and decided that this virus wasn’t a public health crisis, it was a political statement. But at this point, on October fucking 15th, to hear the American president get on stage AFTER HAVING HAD THE VIRUS, and say “well…”…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

“Well, I don’t know anything about QAnon but I’m not going to say they’re wrong, I’m going to put it out there for people to decide” — What? You fucking lunatic, just admit that they’re your base, you don’t give a flying fuck about the truth or lies of QAnon or any conspiracy cult for that matter, you just want votes.

“Well, you should vote for me again because I’ve done a great job” — Sorry, what? Does ANYONE want four more years of 2020? Have you SEEN the news lately? What part of this apocalyptic wildfire/pandemic infused/police brutality/political unrest/national meltdown laden year do you want to continue witnessing? Keep America great? How? In what universe is this anyone’s idea of joy? Yes, let’s continue destroying the environment. Let’s kill all the animals, burn down all the trees, and make coal great again. Frack it. Frack all of it. FRACKING for the win, baby. Oh wait — also, fuck hospitals. Let everyone get COVID! Let them all die in the streets. Herd immunity! Darwinism! Fuck yeah! Let’s stockpile guns. Better yet, let’s kill everyone. Let’s get the national guard and the police together and start randomly shooting people we don’t like. Keep America great!

I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to understand people. I’m tired of trying to extend an olive branch. I’m weak. I’m wavering. I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m such a huge believer in building connections with human beings of all backgrounds and right now I’m on the verge of giving up.

I know.

I know none of this is new. I know none of this is surprising. I know this is who he is. I know he’s a narcissist and a maniac and a cruel bully with no conscience. I know he’s merely a symptom of a bigger problem.

I know these things, but because we’ve all been lulled into delusional normalcy, I sometimes forget how TRULY INSANE THIS IS.

Tonight was just another reminder of all of it — Trump has upended institutions, torn at very fabric of this nation, and sewn fear and doubt and confusion in millions of citizens. He has made a mockery of us all — and worse, he’s made us give up on each other. And I hate that.

Here’s to better leaders and more dignified days in our future.