The helplessness of this moment

…from halfway across the world.

I walked out of CVS on Sunday, having gained a shot and a “You’re vaccinated!” sticker. The day — beautiful. The nurse — charming. The feeling of being fully vaccinated — something teetering between relief and guilt; fullness and emptiness.

One of my friends asked me how I felt, and my immediate response was “I kinda feel like an asshole.” Here we are, excitedly planning post-vaccination trips in our heads while simultaneously experiencing a weird dissociation and confusion over identity. Our feeds are the best and the worst of worlds right now — there is celebration and relief in the USA coupled with gut-wrenching desperation coming out of India.

I live in America and I am watching India die.

Photo: ABC7 News. An overwhelmed & dying India.

There is shock, anger, frustration, and sadness — but the underlying feeling is hopelessness.

Donate the money. Share the links. Is it enough?

e’re watching callous government, a class war, and vaccine imperialism play out in real-time. We’re watching the disgusting lengths humanity will sink to. We’re watching our people die on fucking pavement. It’s hard to have positive feelings about getting my second Pfizer dose in the midst of this hell. A pandemic is one thing. The response is quite another.

We have the resources. We don’t have the compassion.

This is a global pandemic without a global response. People are constantly being treated as an afterthought. We saw it here, we’re seeing it there. Meanwhile, Modi is busy pandering for votes and blocking tweets while the country burns. Fucking gross. The real question is, why do we continue to accept this garbage from “leaders”?

There shouldn’t be any nuance. Saving lives & easing suffering shouldn’t be complicated. Where is the collective consciousness? I don’t understand Hollywood/Bollywood’s obsession with stories of heroism — when it plays out in real life, the response couldn’t be any more narcissistic, self-serving, and individualistic. The irony is that even if the world operated from a place of complete selfishness, it’s in everyone’s benefit to end this. Variants spread. We know this. This is not a faraway, mythical problem.

India is dying. I don’t know why I’m writing this, but I think a lot of us are feeling this strange sense of angst and fear and nervousness and guilt. A lot of us are questioning our very existence, grappling with what it all means. What kind of a sick world is this? We’re supposed to just…watch this play out from halfway across the world? There is a weird lump in my throat.

We’re the lucky ones. By a stroke of chance, my parents decided to immigrate here. Not all of their siblings did. This is random chaos. We aren’t special, or the chosen ones. We’re just that — lucky, and sitting on top of mounds of privilege. Nobody deserves what is happening in India right now. It could’ve just as easily been you or me, driving hundreds of miles to look for room in a hospital and ultimately succumbing to gasping breaths in a parking lot.

Maybe the world doesn’t need my chock full of feelings medium post. I don’t know what the world needs from me right now. Ultimately, my feelings help no one — unless I channel them into something useful. I don’t know what something useful entails at the moment, but as global citizens, we all feel a keen sense of obligation to do SOMETHING.

I’m ending this clusterfuck of feelings by reading stories about people in India helping each other out — and reminding myself that it is always “normal” people who step up and respond in a crisis.

Governments and corporations and political systems always fail at being human. How can humanity thrive under the guise of ulterior motives and nefarious agendas?

Humanity lives in neighbors and strangers and people going the extra mile.

Humanity lives in people who have struggled and continue to struggle.

Money corrupts. Power corrupts.

Humanity lives in the uncorrupted.

Dancer, writer, wanderer, thinker, creator, learner, doer. Passionate about everything — never stop striving #nyc #onelove

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store